A Story For The Alpha Male

Okay Alpha.

You’ve outbenched everyone at the gym and it’s only a matter of time before the honeys start lining up, begging for your digits.  Don’t worry about that guy squatting 500 in the power rack.  Squatting doesn’t impress anyone.

You got the digits, dates, and dance moves.  Women can’t keep their hands off of you.  You re-enact every scene from your favorite adult films.  You know, the kinda stuff that would shell-shock your parents if they ever found out.  Even some of your bros.  Your spank bank is maxed out.

One day, you meet one woman who’s got it all.  Brains, beauty, and wild in the sack.  She even spots you at the gym.  All of her friends want you too, but you show her that you’re not just a f*ck boy.  You pop a ring on it.

Fast-forward a few years.  Time to do something meaningful with that delicious baby batter of yours.  And since you got alpha juice, junior alphas should be popping out in no time.  

Right?

No so fast Ismail.  

Turns out, sh*t’s a little more complicated these days.  You and a lot more alphas across the world (not as alpha as you, don’t worry) are having a little trouble getting your woman knocked-up.

You go online and read up on how chemicals, plastics, and medications are getting in the way of your dream of becoming Junior’s little league coach.

Boom!  Next thing you know, you’re at the fertility clinic talking about hormones and other stuff you heard about in sex-ed back in the day.  Not where you thought you’d end up, but you’re in it to win it.

Now pay attention, because not all clinics know about cell phone effects on male fertility. 

Don’t you worry.  Over the past few decades, a bunch of geeks with beakers n’ sh*t looked at this in Tony Stark’s laboratory, so you can take this to the bank.

Here’s what they found.

• Turns out, cell phones can turn your alpha juice into beta juice.
• It stresses those little alpha swimmers out. They can’t groove like they used to.
• You once had little Michael Phelps alphas, but it’s off-season year-round now.
• China doesn’t want your DNA anymore because it’s all f*cked up.
• Hopefully, you’re lucky enough to still get it up.

Damn.  That’s f*cked up.  And there’s a sh*t-ton more to back that up if you keep looking.

So what do you do?

Remember joining the mile-high club when you flew over to Hawaii for your honeymoon? 

Do you remember what the captain told you before lift-off?

That’s right bro.  We’re talking about Airplane Mode.  Just switch that b*tch on everytime you stick your phone in your pocket, because making babies is hard if you keep nuking your nuts.  ;-)

In ten years, Alpha Junior is gonna win the championship game by pitching a no-hitter, calling shots and popping two grand slams.